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whowouldwin
266
Posted by3 months ago

All Animals Suddenly Realize the Benefits of Being Cute Pets

All vertebrate species on land immediately discover the benefits that cats and dogs enjoy, being pampered, not having to hunt for food or defend shelter, etc. They are cute-lusted and will do anything to make their species the new standard of household pet. They all know what cute is and know about things like cat videos on youtube. They all have slightly boosted intelligence, are smart enough to use a litter box, and will learn from trial and error. They will not do anything that could harm themselves, their species or humans. These are not guard animals.

Whichever species humans prefer at the end of each round wins.

R1: Animals have 90 days of prep. The Animal kingdom is all on board for this. Birds are helping people get dressed like in Disney movies, Grizzly bears are rolling on their backs asking for belly rubs, lizards are trying their best to look like a real life Geico commercial, etc.

R2: Animals have had 1000 years to choose mates who will give them offspring with most adorable characteristics. Think in terms of wolves on their way to becoming dogs. Large animals like elephants will get smaller, tiny animals like salamanders could get larger.

R3: Same as above but a species may cross breed with one and only one other species which must be relatively close genetically. A giraffe could breed with a deer but a lemur could not breed with a frog.

For each round, who is the new preferred human companion?

51 comments
98% Upvoted
level 1

The people who want to hug bears without getting mauled to death finally can

179
level 2

You can already do that though, just go to a gay bar smh

52
level 1

A cute lusted red panda would be unstoppable in round 1.

125
level 2

Kilian always wins

14
level 1
· 3 mo. ago · edited 3 mo. ago

Probably some kind of primate. If they're intelligence boosted and 100% dedicated to being the best pets, you could easily train them to do chores and take care of themselves. Imagine having a bunch of lemurs that are not only cute, but they also clean your house and feed themselves. Suddenly you have a pet that's so low maintenance that it actually takes care of YOU.

Fast forward and everyone in the world would have a pet lemur, because you'd be a fool not to.

202
level 2
Op · 3 mo. ago

I considered this but I'm not sure about primates. If we were attempting to create servant animals they would 10/10 this. However part of what makes cats cute is that they do things that don't make sense. A highly intelligent primate who is doing my dishes is approaching an uncanny valley of being a slave. We're purely going for cute, doesn't really matter if they can perform tasks. Also part of having a pet is filling a human need to take care of something else.

142
level 2

actually takes care of YOU

In Soviet Russia...

10
level 1

I think Bears could clear all rounds. I mean just look at them.

42
level 2

Too big for R1. Imagine having to clean bear shit, plus their piss stinks and it's a strong scent even outside, if they go on the carpet your house will smell for quite a while. Plus the cost for food for a bear would pretty high probably around $300/month minimum.

32
level 1

Bears win.

Because Bear Calvary always wins.

69
level 2

This^

Bears FTW!

10
level 2

Your Smash Up game is weak.

1
level 1

Y'all sleeping on the YEAST BEAST.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO HUG A WARM LOAF OF BREAD.

FAN OF BEER? Listen hear: 👂

Yeast is a microbial organism that, like dogs and cats and honeybees has already been domesticated for thousands of years and has a rich place In human culture around the globe.

Loyalty? Yeast won't mind if you forget to feed or water it, It will wait for you, for decades.

Love? Have you ever smelled fresh bread out of the oven? Tell me you weren't in love.

Granted the additional intelligence, pet yeast colonies could synthesize sweet nourishing carbohydrates, intoxicating alcohols, even life saving medicines for humans.

But what about the cuteness department?

I hope all I need to say is: Sentient bread.

Olive garden would be out of business in a weekend. What do people say about pug dogs when they think they're cute? What is it that they compare them to? What do you call a cat coiled nice and neatly into a little ball?

They're little loafs of course! So to all the pretenders out there, listen up. There's only one true LOAF, and everyone else is just in the running for second place.

Thank you for your time.

18
level 2

Well I just read the OP again, and it did specify vertebrate animals.

But I don't care yeast are amazing and I'm going to keep this post here.

10
level 2

They would literally grow and fester with mold. The gross kind, not the cute kind. Also, not really up to OP specifications but that's secondary.

2
level 1
Op · 3 mo. ago

R1: I'm looking at raccoons doing silly things

R2: 15lb pandas would be tough to beat, though a 3' giraffe would make the cutest sounds walking on a wooden floor and eating from a bowl that's 2' from the ground.

R3: Maybe something like a koala mixed with sugar glider.

40
level 1

R3: Chicken and Ostrich, we get Chocobo Racing and fulfil the childhood desires of many many children.

Otherwise Helper Monkeys probably take the majority. The reason NOT to get a pet monkey is because they're dicks, and can be dangerous/claw people's faces off. Without that risk, they'd dominate.

12
level 2

i think OP's original idea was that the animals would refrain from harming humans and be fully cute lusted.

6

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