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2 yr+
1 year ago
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2 yr+
1 year ago
HelpfulWholesome2All-Seeing Upvote
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Posted by
< 3mos
11 hours ago

Extreme TW. ig. idk suicide mention

I don’t even know where to start. I’ve had a couple of breakdowns on here, this’ll probably be the last one. It’ll likely be long though so I doubt anyone will read it.

I’m tired. In a dirty water damaged apartment, with likely mold in the vents. My parents don’t seem to care. We’re poor, and I get that. Only so much they can do. But there are some parents who would bankrupt themselves if it meant getting treatment for their sick kid. All I’m asking them to do is not run the AC.

They don’t really think much is going on with me. I wish I could show them, have them feel for 20 minutes all that I’m feeling and maybe then they could see the horror of it all. My skin is so dry like it’s like sandpaper, my BO and breath smell like rotting fish. I can barely feel most of my body. Constant pain and discomfort in my neck, shoulders and back and now my muscles are too weak to correct my posture if I tried. I doubt that would even help. Im getting so skinny. 5 more pounds and i’ll have lost 40 in less than two months. Im getting weak. Im wasting away. I look terrific. I can’t shower, I can’t trim my nails or the hair on my face. My rash is getting worse. I look infected. I don’t even recognize my face in the mirror.

Appearance is obviously low on the scale of concerned but jesus christ I’m 19. I’m supposed to be having the time of my life, out partying, going on dates. Growing into myself. Figuring it all out. And now I’m just this ugly thing. This burden. Wasting away on my parents couch. There so much wrong with me at this point, and I’m not getting treated for any of it because the doctors I have now are either not equipped or just not listening. Specialists take weeks to a month to get into, and even then I’d be lucky to get them to listen.

There’s no terror like having SO much very clearly wrong, and no one even batting an eye. Not my parents, not my siblings. Maybe some friends, but none of them talk to me much at all anymore. Certainly not the Drs, the ones meant to help you in the first fucking place. I feel so apathetic I don’t even want to finish this post because I know it won’t achieve anything. I hate what this illness is doing to me. The kind of person it’s making me into. My boyfriend hurt my feelings (not on purpose, he’s very kind and loving) and he apologized but it wasn’t enough for me. I wanted him to grovel. I wanted him to be upset with himself. I wanted to make him upset. I almost said very hurtful things to him because I can barely feel any empathy right now. All i can think about is how everyday this nightmare gets worse and worse, and there’s just so much wrong yet still no thinks I’m in need of help.

I can’t afford supplements. Can barely afford the kind of diet that MIGHT help. I’m in enough medical debt, that my children would probably have to pay it off if ever lived long to have them.

I’ve never been truly suicidal before this. I attempted once two years ago, but even then I didn’t want to die. I just wanted my parents to finally get that I needed help. Thought that they’d take me to hospital and then I’d be admitted to psychiatric one afterwards. They didn’t. My mother told me i was going to be a good for nothing like her and my dad called me a stupid bitch for vomiting 800mg of Trazodone all over his bathroom floor.

I thought surely a physical illness theyd take more seriously. I was wrong. They constantly scoff and sigh and groan when I tell them I shouldn’t be eating pasta. Or pizza. Or ice-cream or fast food. No, I don’t want to try it, I know that I would like it. It’s like no matter how many times I told them it’s not that I don’t want to eat, I’m fucking starving. It’s that I don’t know what’s wrong with my gut and I don’t want to make it worse. Send my dad to go grocery shopping earlier to get some low histamine stuff and he acted like I was asking him to cut off his own leg. They think everything I do is a purposeful attempt of making their life as difficult as possible.

They keep telling me how stressed they are. Yeah. I get that. I really do. But imagine how I feel. Enough symptoms to fill a fucking novella, more than half debilitating. None of them being any kind of treated. Every day is worse. Every. fucking, day. I’m too weak, too poor, too young to help myself. I’ve cried out for help to every one I can think of. Exhausted every option, burned several bridges. Ive lost friends from this. I’ve never been in more need of help, and yet I’ve never been more alone.


About Community

A community for individuals suffering from the effects of COVID19 longer than the estimated 4 weeks, also known as PACS, PASC, and Long Covid.
Created Jul 24, 2020





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