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r/MilitaryWives
r/MilitaryWives
10
Posted by2 months ago

He keeps asking if I’m mad

So I facetimed my husband yesterday. He is in Okinawa. He was in a friends room and they were drinking. It was a few males and a few women as well. They were pre gaming before going out. I told him to message me when he got home, so I’d know he was safe. He never messaged me, so this morning when I FaceTimed him his friend picked up and told me he was sleep and showed him sleeping to me, along with the other 4 people passed out randomly. The friend who answered was one of the women that I spoke to the night prior before they went out. Nothing about the situation made me think anything was going on. My husband keeps asking if I’m mad that she picked up. I’m not, although I would’ve liked it to be him who answered. I understand how things can get. Should I be mad??? I don’t have any reason to not trust him?

11 comments
92% Upvoted
level 1

I call my spouse and some random feels entailed enough to answer, I would have a problem with that too. She is either incredibly naive or a sh*t starter. I’m not telling you to jump to conclusions but your husband is acting like a 15 year old bro. You need to keep your eyes wide open, trust but verify. If things smell funky it’s (usually) because something is rotting.

11
level 2
Op · 2 mo. ago

I’m normally good at feeling out vibes. It didn’t feel like a malicious thing at all. She definitely over stepped, but I don’t think it was anything fishy. I could be wrong though

3
level 1
[deleted]
· 2 mo. ago

Honestly if that were me I would be mad and would have a serious chat with him about boundaries and responsibilities. But not everyone is like me

If you don’t want to be mad then don’t be but if he is acting weird and suspicious then I would dig a little deeper

16
level 1

Everybody is different. Personally, I don’t care if my husband crashes with male friends, but female friends is a no. That’s a hard boundary for me. You have to pick your own boundaries and stand by what you’re comfortable with.

5
level 1

The fact that he's asking you if you are mad is a massive 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. If there was nothing fishy going on it wouldn't even occur to him you might be mad because he would know there's nothing to be mad about. And she answered his phone .... girl ... I've been married 23 years and still only answer his phone if its his mom or his boss or one of my kids. If its anyone else I check the name then tell him "hey ... Bob called".

You know your man better than anyone but just reading this gave me "Chester cheetah" vibes.

4
level 2

I definitely think it's suspicious how much he's asking too.

BUT to play devils advocate, he was asleep, rando girl picked up the phone because she thought she could be helpful or to start shit, but that could be completely separate from him. He couldve woken up and found out and is worried how his wife feels about what someone else did with his phone. He might know he'd feel upset if another man answered his sleeping wife's phone, so he's really worried about her being mad and thinks she's probably keeping it to herself.

She should definitely ask him "no I'm not mad, but should I be?" If she hasn't already. Definitely get him to stop asking if it's bothering her lol

1
level 1

Everyone’s relationship is different. Personally I would be very upset if my husband did something like this. We need to mutually respect each other, ask him if that is something he would like you to do, have a man answer the phone if he was calling you the next morning. I don’t know how old you guys are or if you have kids but it sounds like he’s living the bachelor life when he’s married

9
level 1

Something similar happened to me (20f) before I could move overseas to be with my wife (23f).

For context we are very adamant about keeping our communication lines open.

She had called before she had gone out with a group of battles to let me know she was going out drinking just to keep me in the loop. I told her the usual, be safe, be smart and keep me posted.

She called me about half way through her time out, just to check in and talk about what she was doing and I could tell she was really pushing her drinking limit, giddy, slurring her words ETC. I started getting worried about her after that knowing she was a drink away from being drunk.

Now I wasn't worried about her cheating, never had a reason to be. I'm a very neurotic person. The things running through my mind were alcohol poisoning, getting hurt or someone else trying to come onto her.

Fast forward a few hours I hadn't heard anything and my anxiety kicked into full throttle. I had tried calling and texting to check in and make sure she was safe. Once again, being the neurotic person I am I had conjured up all of the the worst case scenarios that were now on a loop in my head.

My whole day had gone and went before I finally heard back from my wife. The details here are fuzzy I can't remember if she called me or I had called her one last time before turning in for the night. But once she or I had answered she was beyond remorseful. Apologizing and asking if I was mad or upset, filling me in on the fact after she called she tried drinking more, threw up and her battles took her home. She had passed out the second she was in bed. Phone didn't make it onto the charger, may not have even changed out of her outfit from going out.

I was upset and rightfully so, I spent my whole day worrying about her and told her that. She asked where my anxieties were, was I worried that she was cheating on me? I told her I wasn't worried about her cheating on me, that the thought had never crossed my mind, I was more worried she was now dead in a ditch and I had no way of knowing.

After this incident the communication was upped more. She was much more vigilant about keeping me in the loop when out late or up late drinking with friends. It was hard in the moment but the wife and I took the opportunity to grow and learn from the experience rather than letting it hinder our relationship.

There are a few important things to consider in your own personal situation. What are your boundaries with your spouse? Do you have lines drawn in the sand about having the opposite sex staying/sleeping over? Has he been presenting other red flags or accusing you of cheating. A lot of people project their own feelings onto their partners when they are trying to hide something from their SOs.

Something my wife advised me to add to this post is when working in the military our spouses are going to be working with the opposite sex all the time, they will be friendly, or develop friendships outside of the work place. The most important thing to remember when taking her advice is always to have open communication about who their with and what their doing, and have trust that if their friend/coworker tries something, your partner will stop them and have that relationship revert back to professional only.

2
level 2
Op · 2 mo. ago

I’ve talked to them both since. We’re good

1
level 1

It’s the military, male and females work and hangout closely you have nothing to worry about

2
level 1

You sound mad

1