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r/JUSTNOMIL
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Posted by2 months ago

My MIL stole my sonogram pictures and then tried to gaslight me.

I was told to share this in here for better advice…. And I really need it. We are pregnant with our rainbow baby and we couldn’t be happier. On Friday we had our 12 weeks sonogram and got plenty of pictures to take home.

My MIL and FIL came to visit so they could see them and, eventually, the pictures disappeared. I asked them for help to find them but they were just nowhere to be found. My MIL was pretty eager to leave and that didn’t sit well with me, after they left I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

So on Sunday we went to their place for lunch and, when I went to the bathroom, I went into their bedroom and found the pictures in her nightstand. I was fuming. We were planning to give each side of the family copies of the pictures and a framed one (and we told them), but of course she just wanted them all. I confronted her when I came back and she just said “she thought they were for her” which is clearly a lie (I asked them for help to find them for crying out loud, and was visibly upset).

It’s not the first time she pulls something like this and, while my husband defended me in front of them when she protested for my snooping, he then told me I’d crossed a line when I opened her drawers. I know it wasn’t the nicest thing to do, I regret having to stoop to her level but I was just so angry. I could have taken them and not said anything but I’m just sick of everyone enabling her.

She ruins any special occasion where she doesn’t feel like she’s getting her way. FIL, husband and the rest of the family’s solution is just to ignore her to avoid a scene, “she doesn’t mean anything by it, you know how she is, just don’t pay her any attention”. I’ve never antagonized her but I’m sooo done, this was too much. What can I possibly do to make this better before the baby comes? 😓

168 comments
98% Upvoted
level 1
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Vote
level 1

She would have been dead to me.

1
level 1

She would have been dead to me.

1
level 1

You're nta. But my hard stop is you went through her drawers. Had she gone through yours? This would be a different situation. Seriously, if you are all going through each other's drawers? There's bigger issues here.

5
level 1

She's a thief and a liar so treat her as such. She'd be 86ed from my home for stealing. If that means she barely sees the baby then too bad so sad, 🎻. Natural consequences. If she repeats her lie you can either tell her that since she can't be trusted to know what is and isn't for her you're not comfortable having her in your home, or you can say something like "continuing to lie is not helping your case."

Know that she's a manipulative liar and don't trust her. If she wants to make a deal with you guys, don't. If she makes a promise, don't trust it

I'm sorry. Everything about this sucks.

13
level 2

the violin emoji chefs kiss

3
level 1

You don't need to make it better. But MIL can no longer be in your home because she is a thief, and you should not be in her home, because you will break the polite boundaries to reacquire your goods.

You get your husband to a therapist, you set your boundaries and consequences, and you cut back on time with MIL.

10
level 1

You cannot "make it better" but you can set and enforce boundaries now and provide her with consequences for her poor behavior. First you need to sit down with your husband and work out together how you want to proceed.

Personally I would apologize to your MIL for snooping through her drawers. I would say something about being sorry for stooping down to the level of going through her stuff. Then I'd tell her she has proven untrustworthy and that she is banned from your home until further notice. I would specifically tell your FIL this ban does not extend to him but just because he comes to the house does not mean she is allowed in.

From this point I'd put your MIL on an info diet. I wouldn't keep up to date on your pregnancy and I definitely wouldn't inform her when you go into labor, etc. And until she apologizes for stealing that sonogram picture AND starts acting better, I'd keep it that way.

6
level 1

Now you know she's a thief. Treat her as such.

5
level 1

People who do steal my belongings are not allowed in my house. Public places from now on!!!! This is a visit timeout for MIL.

5
level 1

Help me understand what YOU need to make better?

She knew what she did. She stole your pictures. You asked for them. You asked for help looking for them. SHE KNEW WHAT SHE WAS DOING.

Yeah - you snooped. Yeah - that was wrong. BUT she STOLE from you.

Ask your DH if he'd rather you went with your intuition and looked or called the police and let them find the stolen items? Because she stole. Don't let anyone minimize it. She stole from you.

In my opinion, you are seriously under reacting and I wouldn't trust her with anything moving forward.

27
level 1

You didn't antagonize her. She is a damn thief who stole from you, saw how upset you were about her theft, and is furious that you took your things back. I would ask DuH to explain how you taking your things back is wrong but her stealing them is cool.

She is a thief but it sounds like she thinks there is a limited amount of joy in the world and anyone having joy is a direct theft from her. She didn't ask for a copy, she didn't even take a copy. She took them all so you couldn't have a copy of the inside of your body and the baby you are growing. That is truly shocking. I am so sorry.

The one good thing to come from this is that you know who she is now. She is a thief and an assassin of joy. I would block her on everything and let DuH handle her. She gets no updates from you and you don't put any effort into her. DuH buys her gifts and plans visits and cooks or gets takeout. He handles her calls and questions.

There is a great power in acknowledging that something is broken. You don't have to try to fix it, you don't have to pretend it is okay, you don't have to put up a front. You won't be close to her. You can not trust her. She isn't entitled to anything from you. She has to ask you or other people and she gets to have consequences for her actions.

34
level 1

I'm so sorry, buuuut the only advice is stand up for yourself!?!? And make sure your husband is ALWAYS on the same page as you. Your child is blood. Your husband's mom and your husband are not. Remember that bc I guarantee you, your MIL does

17
level 1

The hell she doesn't mean anything by it! She means she will get what she wants because she is the only one that matters! Sadly, the only thing you can really do is not give her the opportunity to cause you distress. This means being limiting contact as much as you can, not sharing information with her if you can avoid it, and being on guard any time you have to be around her. Don't give her access to anything you think she might want - keep it locked away.

9
level 1

She stole from you. Tell SO she’s not allowed back in the house till she owns up to what she did.

Tell your SO you didn’t cross anymore lines than she did. Then she lied about it. Tell him to get on board or get behind you. You are the first line of defense for this baby. Act like it.

21
level 1

The answer to "That's just how she is" is "and this is how I am. I don't like being lied to, stolen from, and gaslit. I set boundaries and enforce them whenever they are crossed."

31
level 1

What a freaking weirdo!! If that were my MIL, I’d make no effort to share any more info with her or arrange visits in person, especially not at my house. She needs to know she can’t get away with what she did, even if she’s pulled stuff like that in the past.

26
level 1

Yeah, I can't think of many things that justify snooping, but someone literally stealing irreplaceable photos of the inside of your body is definitely on the list. Wow.

You can't make this better with her, because this is who she is. Now you know. All you can do is set firm boundaries and protect yourself.

There are tons of stories on here about how MILs have ruined childbirth, the postpartum period, basically anything involving a baaaaaaaby. Please read them so you know what could happen and then make decisions to protect yourself and your future kiddo.

34
level 1

That's fucked up, but let me share my take: next time take the thing and DON'T tell her. Later show her the thing again. She can't say you took them from her house because then she'd have to admit she stole the from you. I used to do this to my sister all the time with various jewelry she stole and it was always INCREDIBLY satisfying to see the look on her face when she knew I had taken it from her room, and there was not a damn thing she could say about it. Less drama, more satisfaction.

56
level 2

Agreed

6
level 2

Brilliant!

7
level 1
level 1

Because you know how she is - a liar, a thief, a selfish [redacted] who would still an ultrasound from someone who's lost a child - because you know how she is, she should not be allowed in your home, and you should not feel pressured to talk to her.

She can't be trusted in your space, and she doesn't give a damn about your feelings, so good riddance.

And because you know how her family is - absolutely willing to prioritize protecting her feelings over holding her accountable not just for stealing from you, but for WHAT she stole - nuts to them, too.

33
level 1
· 2 mo. ago · edited 2 mo. ago

I have a personal opinion that if you cross a line in response to someone else crossing a line, the original offender is the person in the wrong. I don't condone snooping 90% of the time. HOWEVER, it sounds like this isn't behavior you would have engaged in if your MIL hadn't first stolen something so precious and then lied to you about it.

Also, my new response to "you know how she is" is, "Yes, and you know how I am, just out here protecting my sanity and my family. I'm just like that." and then earnestly ask, "Why is OK for her to be 'just how she is' but not me?"

Edited for typos.

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